10 Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship
Believe it or not, it can be very difficult to determine whether a relationship is abusive, especially if you’re in it. The emotional abuser will mask abuse different ways. It’s important to remember that abuse comes in many forms. It doesn’t have to be physically abusive for it to be an abusive relationship. Often physical abuse is preceded by more “subtle” forms of emotional abuse and/or psychological abuse. These types of abuse can be just as scarring as physical abuse, and they’re usually more difficult to identify. Here are 10 signs of an emotionally abusive relationship.
People that have gotten out of abusive relationships are better able to look back objectively and pinpoint abuse that was occurring long before they were certain they needed to leave the relationship. Abuse can escalate quickly, but it can also grow slowly throughout the years, making it seem “normal.” It may take shape first as verbal abuse and finally resulting in violent behavior. It’s important that if you know of domestic violence to contact the appropriate authorities immediately.
As San Diego family law experts, we are sadly familiar with abusive relationships. Whether you’re looking out for a friend or concerned that your own relationship may not be healthy anymore, it’s key to remember that no one is at fault except the abuser themselves. Read below for examples of how to spot an abusive relationship and how to spot an abusive marriage.
10 Signs You Are in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship
1. THEY TRY TO CONTROL YOU
It’s normal for partners to check in with one another, but it’s not normal for one partner to have to constantly ask permission for things. The controlling behavior can be related to most anything –money and how you spend it, the clothes you like to wear, your schedule and how you spend your days, etc. Keep an eye out for this restrictive dynamic within a relationship, because a lot of relationships that are abusive have centered around the need for control.
2. THEY ISOLATE YOU FROM YOUR SUPPORT NETWORK
Abusive partners don’t want you to have friends and family. After all, these are the people most likely to help you escape an abusive relationship or marriage. It may start out slowly, but the abuser’s eventual goal is to leave you with no one to rely on. Watch out for your partner being overly critical of friends and family – they’re aiming to make you feel dependent on your relationship and your partner. Another way of isolating you is to constantly ask for more alone time together. In the beginning, it may be easy to misinterpret this as romantic. After all, what’s the harm in your partner wanting more time with you? If they’re consistently trying to get you to cancel plans and prioritize your relationship at the cost of your social circle, it’s a sign of abuse.
3. THEY MAKE YOU INSECURE
Partners in healthy relationships encourage and support one another. Abusive partners want to keep you under their control, and they want to convince you that you couldn’t possibly attract a “better” partner. If it goes on long enough, you may start to believe that you don’t deserve a better relationship, and you may feel worthless. Those that have been in abusive relationships often come to feel as though it’s normal to be mistreated. This type of emotional and psychological damage can take years to unravel.
4. THEY ARE UNPREDICTABLE
One tactic of abuse is to keep you “on your toes”, so to speak. If your partner has a habit of getting upset or angry seemingly without cause, it’s a bad sign. People that have been in this type of abusive relationship describe feeling anxious and “on edge” around their partners. It’s not healthy to feel as though you must constantly be careful lest you upset your partner.
5. THEIR NEEDS ARE ALWAYS PRIORITIZED ABOVE YOUR NEEDS
A healthy relationship has a give and take dynamic between partners. Abusive partners do not see it this way. It’s another form of asserting control. It can start to feel useless to disagree with your partner because they always get their way. In a healthy relationship, you will each try to consider the other’s point of view. In abusive relationships, there is no balancing of the needs between partners – one will always attempt to “win” over the other.
6. THEY KEEP YOU IN THE HOUSE
This one can be tricky, because there are many healthy, positive relationships where one partner primarily takes care of the home and does not work. However, as a further means of isolating and controlling you, abusive partners will aim to stop you from having a job, going to school, or maintaining hobbies outside the home. This will not typically be the only sign or way to spot an abusive relationship, but it is a very common theme in abusive relationships.
7. YOU HAVE NO PRIVACY
In healthy relationships, each person maintains autonomy. In an abusive relationship, it’s all too common to have no privacy whatsoever. If your partner tracks your every move, it’s a sign that you’re in an abusive relationship. The abuser may go through your phone, email, mail, and personal belongings. More extreme examples of this would include constantly calling to check up on you when you’re out of their sight, or even driving by your home or work to keep an eye on you or stop in unexpectedly to make sure you’re where you say you are.
8. THEY WITHDRAW OR WITHHOLD AFFECTION
One method of “punishing” you can be to deny affection or intimacy. It can be normal after a disagreement to not be feeling affectionate, but abusive partners take it much farther. Their affection becomes something you must earn, and they use it as a reward for your good behavior. Watch out for conditional affection, intimacy, and love.
9. THEY PREEMPTIVELY FORGIVE YOU
This is another one that can be difficult to identify as abusive as abusers will shut conversations down prematurely. Abusers use this method to “win” an argument. During a disagreement, they’ll forgive you for your actions, whether you’ve apologized or not. In this way, they have effectively assigned you all of the blame, and they are hoping to be seen as merciful or compassionate in their forgiveness. Don’t be fooled. Abusive partners aren’t truly forgiving you – they’re simply trying to convince you that this was really your fault. It’s also very common for them to keep bringing this back up later as a means of evening the scoreboard.
10. THEY SHAME YOU
If your partner has a habit of criticizing you in public, embarrassing you in front of others, or deliberately bringing up private topics to make you uncomfortable, it’s a very clear sign of an abusive relationship.
If you or a loved one is experiencing a toxic relationship or emotional abuse, you need to carefully assess the relationship. If you determine that the relationship is abusive, do not hesitate to seek help. As San Diego divorce experts, we’ve unfortunately seen all manner of unhealthy dynamics within a marriage, and it’s important to remember that you’re not alone, and this is not your fault. Contact us to understand your options.
For crisis and counseling services, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224.