How To Make Child Custody Work
The suitcase is packed; the itinerary set. The only thing is that you’re not going on vacation. Instead, your children are actually headed to their other parents’ home, your ex. Separation and divorce are not easy for any party involved. Addressing and facilitating child custody is an additional element that can be emotionally painful, and does require extra energy and planning to make work.
Custody can be settled in or out of court. Court custody settlements can often result in a “joint legal custody” where both parents have legal custody of the children involved, and share the responsibility of raising the children and making decisions regarding their upbringing and well-being. Other types of custody, such as “sole legal custody” where one parent becomes solely responsible for the child if the other parent seems unfit at the time to be a legal guardian, exist and can be ordered by the courts. Out of court custody often results in an agreement settled in other ways such as through mediation or counseling. Here, the parents work to come to an agreement on custody and visitation. If they succeed in coming to an agreement before reaching court, there is no set answer as to who has or gets custody and they may choose whatever type of custody they feel will be best for their children.
Here is how to make child custody work, and hopefully help take off some of its weight.
THIS IS ABOUT THE KID(S), NOT YOU
The divorce was about you and your ex, but child custody is about the kids that are also a part of this separation. Make sure that the actions, energy and interests throughout custody agreements and execution are putting your kids’ best interest, not yours, at the core of the situation. If either of the parents are moving farther away from your previous home, which location will be most comfortable and accessible for your child’s active lifestyle? This means factoring in things like the proximity to their school, friends and extracurricular activities. Sacrificing time with your child in order for them to maintain a lifestyle they are comfortable with and thriving in may be necessary, even if it means depriving yourself of time with your kid. If this is the case, the time you do have with your child will have to be valued and organized accordingly.
Both parents having a healthy relationship with the child is also important, and it is in the child’s best interest to create an environment where, if these healthy relationships already exist, this is honored, respected, and encouraged. Children need to see the security in their relationship with both of you, if you are both going to remain active parts of their lives. Your new relationship with your ex should be beyond the conflicts that lead to the end of your marriage, or formal relationship, and should now be centered around raising your family in a positive and healthy atmosphere.
HAVE RESPECT FOR ONE ANOTHER
Respect is a necessary element for all parties involved. Parents must have respect for one another as parents, and respect for their children and their kids’ cooperation with this disruptive new lifestyle. As stated earlier, this is about your child, not you. The point with child custody is that both parents get to remain an active part of the child, or children's lives. Divorce is hard and tricky, custody is even trickier. Keeping a respectful and positive environment during a very disruptive time in a child’s life is important and valuable for their upbringing.
Despite the anger and hurt that is felt between the two parents, the divorce, and any animosity or pain resulting from that divorce, must remain separate from the child custody process out of respect for your child and your fellow co-parent. Showing respect for one another during and after a divorce is paramount because it helps to center the focus of custody agreements on the wellbeing of your kids, and can help to maintain or build trust, security and affection in both of your relationships with your children.
Badmouthing your ex is not helpful for your child, but rather detrimental. Just because they were a poor spouse does not mean they are a poor parent. Openly displaying and verbalizing negative feelings towards or about your ex can deter your child from having a healthy relationship with them. It may also harm your own relationship with your child because they likely love their other parent as well, and your negative display towards them may come across as a closed line of communication between you and your child. Being open and positive about one another and your kids’ relationship with your ex is much easier said than done, and every divorce starts and ends differently than the next. However, it is crucial in making child custody work.
COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, AND COMMUNICATE MORE
Creating a positive environment for your child to be raised by speaking kindly about and to one another is a key element in good communication. However, it is also important to find a way to communicate with each other that works best for both of you as parents. Such communication regarding child custody will involve schedules, short term concerns about the childrens’ extracurriculars, special events, friendships and more that parents need to or would like to share with one another.
Finding a way to express the updates, concerns, and questions to one another is necessary to make it consistent and simple for you as the parents, and to keep children out of the middle of your communication pathway. There are online tools for collaborative calendars, different ways to online chat with one another, and to share updates. Finding what works best for you will positively impact the efficiency of your communication and make it simpler for your entire family.
BE SURE TO CUSTOMIZE THE EXPERIENCE
Your child or children all have different needs to one another, and especially to other children of divorcees. There are many different types of joint custody arrangements that can be made, from weekends with one parent and weekdays with the other to every other week with either parent and so on. Take into consideration your childrens’ age and personalities as well as their academic and extracurricular responsibilities. This can help determine who they will stay with and when by also taking into consideration your child-care arrangements and the distance between your homes, as well as the distance between your individual homes and the children’s commitments. Your family schedule and your individual career and social commitments also need to be taken into consideration. To make a schedule that works best for you and your children, it is important to be realistic about your own schedule and commitments. This way, you can best give your attention to your kids and also to your other commitments in a more balanced way.
LISTEN, LISTEN, AND LISTEN AGAIN
Your children are going through a change that they do not have much input or say in. It will likely be a confusing and frustrating experience for them, with different emotions and forms of expression, varying from child to child depending on their age and their different relationships, both inside and outside the family. Let your child express their confusion and frustration with the situation or process, and ensure that they feel heard when they express these feelings. This will help children feel a sense of control in a situation where they do not have much control over.
In California, children are legally allowed to express their preferences in court at the age of 14, subject to the discretion of the judge. Courts are not required to follow their preferences, and are even less inclined to follow the preferences that may be expressed by a child of a divorce at an even younger age. However, you as a parent have the power to fairly take into consideration the expressed needs and wants of your child that you find will actually help the wellbeing of your kid and their upbringing, in both the short and long term.
Listening to your child goes has more intrinsic value than the actual schedule or custody agreement itself. Letting children have a say in what toys or clothes they get to bring to which parents’ home will help them to feel like they are a part of the process, and that they, too, have an important deciding voice in the situation. Taking and applying their input on toys or schedules will also likely make them more receptive and agreeable to the schedule.
Child custody works different for every family. If you are currently going through child custody agreements, or soon will be, contact us for help or guidance in this challenging and unique process.
